Hysteric by Nelly Arcan

Author:Nelly Arcan [Arcan, Nelly]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781772140248
Publisher: Anvil Press
Published: 2014-10-15T04:00:00+00:00

THE DAY AFTER you left I tried to find you and I opened a lot of doors. I started visiting Cinéma L’Amour on the corner of Saint-Lawrence Boulevard and Duluth Street. Freddy told me about the place where men come to jerk off in an old movie theatre while watching real couples fucking on a small stage lit by red light. He was curious and had gone there a few times. After eight years of marriage and not a single infidelity, he confided, he’d recovered a sense of innocence and at his age innocence burdened him; after eight years of being faithful, he felt like an old maid. For several weeks, until I found out I was pregnant, I went there thinking the place might be an improvement over your computer screen, a first step toward reaching out to others. I thought I’d discover human warmth there, but forgot that the warmth I was thinking of can’t be found in total anonymity.

I think I just wanted the trap to close around me. By then, my decision was made, I’d decided to reject any chance of finding some saving grace as I’d done in the past, I wouldn’t give myself another second chance . . . I was at death’s door and had the right to let go and die wherever it pleased me. When I told Freddy I intended to go to Cinéma L’Amour, he warned me against the place, he told me all I’d find were old men with one purpose in mind, fucking curious little girls like me. He probably said that to protect me, since being raped in a place like that removes any possibility of bringing the perpetrator to justice, in any case in the past public opinion had rarely been on the victim’s side. Freddy saw sex in legal terms, he got married at City Hall before a Justice of the Peace. I told him I was used to old farts and sometimes even missed the sensation of their breath on the potential for pussy that I represented for them. I told him I was going there to test my blond feminine charm, who knows, maybe since I quit whoring I’d lost the essential qualities that made me part of the magnetic field where great seducers meet desirable women. After having been touched, licked, and taken every which way, perhaps I gave off nothing more than the acrid odour of scorched earth.

Always chivalrous, Freddy offered to accompany me, but once we got there we agreed that having the other person around might be an obstacle to jerking off. We split up at the entrance and gave each other an hour before we met up again at the exit, in an alleyway lined with garbage cans from the nearby stores; alleys are made to accommodate the guilty, alleys are a parallel world where the light of day never enters, they are my grandfather’s hell on earth. At Cinéma L’Amour, no one uses the main door that opens onto Saint Lawrence Boulevard; imagine the loss of face if someone they know goes by.

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